Early on, I became aware of the cultural norm of "good" women being those who were chaste and non-sexual. This never made much sense to me, as it seemed to go against the clear and strong sexual drives of the human male - and, frankly, of all animals. Was I to understand that sex occurred only through rape, that women had no interest in sex?
I observed this norm in multiple aspects. Initially, I became aware of the practice of "slut-shaming" in junior high and high school, where girls would accuse other girls of being "too" sexually available (eg, "easy"). I was never privy as to what exactly the accused girls did of garnering such an accusation, but it was clear that it was perceived as a terrible label that could destroy one's social life and ego. I saw it to a lesser extent with men, who talked privately and disparagingly about girls who they claimed were "easy" to have sex with (but for whom the boys would target in order to get this "easy" sex). As sex and sexual attraction always struck me as a good thing, I never grasped why such a meme had such cultural power.
One girl I was extremely attracted to in high school ended up shunning me after we ended up in my car kissing and her top and bra came completely off, exposing her beautiful breasts to me. At first, she seemed relaxed and comfortable with my gaze; but then she snapped into shame and upset, putting on her clothes and demanding that I take her home immediately. Of course, I complied, but didn't understand what had happened to make her so upset. She didn't give me the chance to talk further about it before I dropped her off at her house. As soon as we touched the curb, she immediately jumped out of the car and all but ran inside. From then on, she took extreme steps to avoid running into me at school. That Christmas season, she participated in a school group that sang Christmas carols in students' neighborhoods; they came to our house one night. We invited the singers in to rehydrate and use the bathroom. She refused to make eye contact with me and stayed as invisible as possible while they were at our house. I felt that I was being punished for simply seeing her semi-naked.
But then I encountered the same trope among parents and other adults. More than once, I found myself being treated as dangerous around girls - once, my mother scolded me after she found out that I and a (female) friend had spent time investigating an empty house; another time, a girl I met while on vacation in Hawaii and had reached out to see again when I was on a trip to Seattle got an irate call from her father, telling me to stay away from her and saying over and over "she's only 16!".
My initial efforts at offering compliments and flirtatious comments to attractive girls were taken poorly, often responded to with an awkward silence and discomfort if any response at all was provided; or they would tell me that they're only interested in being "friends" and/or would make special efforts to introduce me to their current beau / fiancée / husband / whatever.
At another point, when I was working in Phoenix, I took it upon myself to introduce myself to a very attractive new girl in my office and let her know just how attracted I was to her. After another awkward silence, I excused myself and went back to my work desk. She stayed away from me for the rest of her time there (she was a summer temp), only occasionally exchanging ambiguous glances. Not long after, I was let go (fired). When I asked my boss for the reasons, he explained to me that the girl I had approached was the Managing Partner's daughter and who apparently was engaged. She had been so upset at my approach that she went crying to her father's office about the incident, which led to my actions being discussed at the next Partner's meeting. It wasn't clear that they agreed to terminate me at that meeting, but it apparently was a significant factor into my boss' decision to do so.
All of the above clearly indicated to me that reminding a girl of her sexual attractiveness was extremely unwelcome and socially inappropriate. I internalized a huge fear and reluctance of expressing any such opinions whenever I was around attractive women, telling myself that that was the polite and respectful thing to do.
It wasn't easy. When around attractive women, I naturally become obsessed with their attractiveness, to the point of pushing most everything else out of my mind. For the next 30 years, I ended up spending my time in such situations repressing and denying my feelings, rendering me all but mute around them. Now, I can only imagine how uncomfortable and unhappy I looked to the women I was meeting in those situations.
For the next 30 years, not until my 50s, did I learn that that was entirely the wrong conclusion.
